04 January 2016

winter

Hello, Winter. I'm back again. Back to the same old habits, the same stupid mind that got me here in the first place, that same stupid look. I did it all again, not exactly the same as before, but the mistakes are just about right, almost perfect matches to the whole story before. I get older and it seems nothing changes. I still see him, five years ago, nearly, and he's still there smiling at me, taunting me with a little ribbon because I am that same stupid girl as I always was. I don't want to always be here, not that damn fool who craves the affection of a man. I want to be alone and content in my loneliness, but every time I try, I fall right back into winter.

There is something different now, I'll admit. I don't feel like I'm sinking into myself, not like I'm drowning and overwhelmed with stark reality; but rather I feel angry, tense, frustrated. I want to smash and kill, I want to destroy the world. I want revenge on the heart. I want to peel it and tear it, fry it and strain it until the blood drains completely. I want him to suffer, to feel like the fool. But I know he never will.

What can I do to ease this madness? This is all I can feel. Madness. It is inside of me and I need to release it with caution, not to let it overpower me or overflow out of me. I need to control this rage, this desire to destruct, but I fear that I cannot. I am worried about something, afraid of something, but I can't know what. It is as if these emotions are outside of me and I can't control them or anticipate them. I'll try to hide but I know I could only hate myself if I am stuck with myself. I need somebody there. He doesn't need to love me, I just want him to know me. I want to know someone is there. And I wish these winter nights will stop someday, that I will be sitting in the white nights, and maybe those nights will last eternity. But for now, the winter calls. I don't miss you anymore.