28 November 2014

4am thoughts

I can feel a certain darkness, a certain loneliness when winter is coming. The icy wind drifts towards the lonely soul and fills the emptiness with nostalgia. I still remember that winter when the world froze, when I was completely alone and cold. A year skips slowly into spring and lingers around summer, but come fall the world spins too quickly and the winter is here again. 

It's 4am and my mind is wandering. About four years ago I was hopelessly in love with a crazed man who adored me. It was utterly hopeless and inappropriate; I was his Lolita and he my Humbert Humbert. Even four years makes me feel like a child because so much has changed! Do you ever lie awake at night and remember past love? On a night like tonight, it consumes me and I can't escape it. I am lonely, nostalgic, elated and empty. This city has had too much of my love and it makes me sick; looking out the window of my 6th floor apartment onto the fading city makes me sick. I want to hide from every face because I know no one loves me now and I am alone. Embarrassment drives me; I loved and couldn't be loved by him, yet we remained in balance together and swallowed up time. Loving someone in winter is different than loving anyone at all; winter is endless and internal -- it's driven by your own moods and characteristics. When you love someone in winter, you envelope them, because you are cold and afraid of the possibility of darkness. I wonder when this ache will stop, this longing for what can never be. I say now, it's better to love someone in this lonely winter, but alas here I am, alone and awake, dreaming of love past. 

And for you, T, I must confess that perhaps I do love you. Thank you for coming back and thinking of me, I've been thinking of you. Words have drifted from my in the past year, but I struggle to return to what I truly love. Writing has been my love and hopefully it will become my winter romance. I prefer to love someone or something, and you and my writing may be just it!